The Way You Parent Affects When Your Kids Die
Let’s talk about Parenting for a Long life
My mother often says “however you want to parent, there is a book that tells you it’s the right way.” There are a million parenting books and all of them say different things! How are you supposed to know which book is right?
Turns out there are scientific studies looking at how parenting affects a child's self-esteem, well-being, emotional intelligence, and self-control. I will explore all of these in future posts. But, let's start with the study that surprised me the most.
Scientists used data from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing (ELSA), representing 8,810 individuals and 941 cases of death. Each person completed the Parental Bonding Instrument (PBI) to assess parents' 1) warmth and 2) control.
Example Warmth Questions
Spoke to me in a warm and friendly voice (high warmth)
Appeared to understand my problems and worries (high warmth)
Seemed emotionally cold to me (low warmth)
Made me feel I wasn't wanted (low warmth)
Example Control Questions
Tried to control everything I did (high control)
Tried to make me feel dependent on them (high control)
Gave me as much freedom as I wanted (low control)
Let me do things I liked doing (low control)
This separates parents into 4 different “styles” of parenting (see picture below).
A unique feature of this study is it breaks down differences between girls and boys. All prior studies looked at results combined; thus, it was not possible to determine how gender influenced outcomes. For example, does a mother's warmth matter more for girls than boys?
What authors found
Girls who had a high warmth mother decreased early death risk by 14%
Girls with a high controlling father increased early death risk by 22%
Boys with a high controlling father increased early death risk by 12%
Interestingly, the only factor that increases early death for both boys and girls was a high control father
Conclusion of study
Girls and boys who have a high control father die earlier. Put another way, kids with parents who allow them more freedom, live longer. Girls also seem to need mothers with high warmth.
I was really surprised by this study. Though perhaps I shouldn't have been. Authors point out that many studies show that controlling parents lead to increased mental health issues in adulthood like panic syndrome and obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is known that mental health is closely related to physical health. For example, people with anxiety conditions are more likely to get cancer and have cardiovascular disease. “The Rabbit Effect” is a fascinating book on the topic as well as much of Gabor Mate’s books. Thus, it stands to reason that kids who had highly controlling parents and thus increased mental health issues would die earlier.
How to put this into action
Be conscious of how controlling and demanding you are as a parent. Rules are necessary for ensuring kids safety and health but do you allow kids to be kids? Are there places they can be messy? Do they have time for free play? Do you allow them to do activities they enjoy? Do you allow them age-appropriate independence?
Put simply, let kids be kids
If you want to go even deeper, like me, you can look up the Parenting Bonding Instrument HERE. Ask yourself how your child would answer. Would they rate you are high/low control or high/low warmth?
Some things to consider when reflecting on this study
This study didn't actually evaluate if parents were more controlling. Let me say that again because you probably just got confused. This study uses a survey so it was the person’s PERCEPTION of their parents behaviors that was evaluated not the parents’ actual behaviors. Thus, we don't know if parents were or were not more controlling. What this study tells us is that the people who PERCEIVED their parents as being more controlling or that they had less freedom in their youth died younger.
I know that seems like nuance but it's important. While we don’t have control over what happened to us when we were younger, we do have control over how we feel about what happened to us when we were younger. People who have had trauma are also more likely to die early; however, those that go through therapy and work through feeling of anxiety and/or depression mitigate the negative consequences of trauma in their youth. If your child or the child you’ve adopted or fostered has had trauma in their youth, therapy might be a good solution.
TAKEAWAY
How you parent has profound, long-term health consequences for your children. For both boys and girls, having a low control father helps prolong life. Girls also need a high warmth mother.
NOTE: Living situation (both parents or single parent) was also evaluated. The results were so shocking, I decided to devote a whole post to them! If you want a sneak peek you can check out the PAPER.
I wish you and your children a long, healthy life
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